What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 00:02
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We were not on the streets..
Why are Indians so influenced by the Western culture, when the Indian tradition has so much to give?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was scared of men, in general
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
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Put me off passion for life!!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My life is so biszare .
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Comes on , in middle age.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
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I couldn’t, believe it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
(And it was in our own minds.)
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
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Im dying but, im not bitter.
She loved him until the end.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My friend asked my crush and he said my crush hates me but not in a rude way. What does that mean?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I was 9 years of age.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I think the readers, may guess!
My family never makes their pension either.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I waited trembling.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I have no regrets .
He resisted the act ,that day.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
When she asked me how she looked .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But it wasn’t much.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
We all went to grammer schools
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She found it foreign!.
Would this be the day?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I was seconnd youngest,
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I could never make a relationship work though!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But, we were locked up after school.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
So, i spoilt her more .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I never cut or harmed myself..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Ive learnt so much.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I write beautiful poetry .
Im still living with it.
And i lived it daily.
She wouldn,t have been !
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
So whats the point in blame.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I will be 64.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was very sick at this time too.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Was to survive, this bastard.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She married twice! .
He knew the spot.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I said to her
It was going to be , some day.
This is soul school!.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Who then, do I blame.?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I don,t even have a pension.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
What did i know ?
She was in good health!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
One cannot live in the past .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
All the time i was locked up.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.